SPOILERS: if our freely-issued sample provided on the F Street-set Cuckoo Conga of an inaugural vendor strip in Washington D.C. this past Monday is enough indication, this palpably caffeinated beverage will take you somewhere between 45 and 47 sips to finish.
Initially unleashed for the post-Election holiday rush on behalf of their candidate in-waiting, “MAGA’s” aptly-titled, trademarked line of energy drinks was, unsurprisingly, due to be a growing fixture as the new year turned over. It was sold by softspoken, seasoned vendors for cheap purchase outside the Capitol One Arena on Jan. 20th to commemorate President Donald J. Trump’s historic inauguration.
Those pushing MAGA Energy—the drink, not the movement—seemed reluctant to provide their names. A fair-skinned, green-eyed man in his 30s working an outdoor booth for his fifth year strong could not have been sweeter as he stressed his utmost confidence in a drink he had never even tasted.
This is perhaps the testament of a salesman who deserves more than an “I don’t have cash” from passers-by who most definitely do. After all, some of the more legitimate vendors like Ol' Green Eyes also accepted card (payment), so what kind of line is that anyway?
Another gentleman inadvertently stole the former’s thunder by offering up the last remainder of his latest batch The South Shore Press’ way: two MAGA Energy Drinks in exchange for nothing but a “thank you, you’re fired.”
Free caffeine on a day when The White House is taken back by The Big Red Machine?
God bless this country.
By early Monday afternoon, “The Donald” had become the second US Commander-in-Chief ever, and first since Grover Cleveland (1885-1889; 1893-1897), to reclaim the presidency after being voted out of office. Following his mobilization from the Capitol Rotunda to Capitol One Arena, Trump matched the energy of the latter’s crowd—more laden with his backers… so we hear—in typical many-parts comic showman fashion.
Much like the dialed-in athlete who does not require a boost, yet indulges in energy drinks when the stakes are that elevated, all those hopped up on MAGA Energy in honor of their chosen champion could easily retain their high spirits far beyond the main event.
Urbandictionary.com defines “drinking the Kool-Aid” as completely buying into an idea or system whether good or bad. MAGA men and women “drink the Kool-Aid” just as Jeff Daniels demonstrated in his underappreciated turn as the Union officer Brevet Major General Joshua Chamberlain in 1994’s “Gettysburg.”
One could have no clue what they’re doing. They’re in over their head. A fleeting fearlessness plagues them internally. Meanwhile, a brave outer demeanor worn and braver convictions shown can help lead anyone through a successful mission, no matter how daunting.
According to Maga.com, MAGA Energy's ingredients are: carbonated water, citric acid, taurine, sodium bicarbonate, magnesium carbonate, caffeine, potassium sorbate, sucralose, monkfruit powder, steviol glycosides, acesulfame potassium, niacinamide, pyridoxinehcl (Vitamin B6), calcium pantothenate, cyanocobalamin (Vitamin B12), and natural and artificial flavors.
For many of those partaking in the 16-oz. system-jolter before, during and after Monday’s inaugural festivities, its grander ingredients consist of the following: liberty, freedom and country.
The first taste may have been pure Red Bull; and the experience as a whole may more than resemble what one expects out of your rude-of-the-mill "lite" or "low-cal"
Monster. These stalwart drink names having been used in a derogative context to describe our current president in the past notwithstanding, one ought to explore keeping their eye on the donut, and not the hole of this equation for the sake of a greater understanding.
TikTok is not the only thing that's “so back.” Creative boundlessness in the form of a “Make Your Own Merch Again” mantra is also here to stay. Even detractors can agree the Trump Train has pumped out more pan-over-the-head product placement than all others during his tumultuous tenure.
There is no Biden gum. Obama Flakes? Nada. And Clintuna Fish only ever existed in that ferocious fever dream you had once upon a time.
What isn’t a fever dream: you can still buy this goo-goo drink for a gaga cost, and in bulk. A 4-pack will run you $14.99. A 6-pack? $21.99. And a dozen goes for $39.99.
As for this reviewer: one was enough for the trek away from the temporarily Humvee-heavy state that is not a state, and back home to our native Long Island.
Midway through the final leg of travels homeward, “Death of the Fox” Brewing Company of Clarkson, New Jersey would supply the more our speed cold brew that did not erase in the slightest what it was like to consume a presidentially imbued liquid. Rather, it enhanced the chances of this story getting filed just under the wire.
God bless the USA.